[***]
Oh, let's see.
"Farmer Brown has 50 potatoes and six children.
"If half of the potatoes are to be divided
"among one-third of the children,
"how many potatoes
do each of the remaining children get?"
Oh, God.
I know. I know.
Short skirt for math, Monday.
How'd it go?
Ah, he's still constipated.
If he was any tighter, you could wear him to the prom.
You mean to tell me
he didn't react at all to the picture of you naked?
Because just the thought of it would work for me.
Well, I guess we have to give him his pill.
Yeah, but he'll spit it out
if we don't wrap it
in something that tastes good.
Well, let's see what we've got.
How about this thing in the tinfoil that's moving?
No!
Mom said never to touch that.
I know.
How about this piece of cheese?
The mouse wouldn't eat it, but maybe Buck will.
Well, it can't be all that old.
It's still green.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
Here, Buck.
Come on, boy.
Yummy, fuzzy cheese.
Ah, I love waking up
after your mother's already up and out,
the scent of her perfume still in the air,
50 bucks missing from my wallet...
Just like I was single.
Hey, breakfast cheese.
BOTH: No...
Mm... mmm.
That's not bad.
You know, I have a feeling
it's gonna be a big day for Daddy today.
The biggest, Dad.
Humongous.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Who could that be?
Well, since Mom and Kelly's boyfriends
have their own keys,
it's probably the mailman.
Bundy, I just want you to know I'm retiring
after 20 years of faithful service...
Well, let's see.
Bill... Bill...
Hello!
My tax refund!
Yes! Whoo!
I told you it's gonna be a big day.
My stomach's getting warm.
Maybe that cheese will settle it.
By God, I love you. Mwah...
Thanks, Daddy.
Not you. Go away.
Kelly, I'm sorry. No, come back here.
Come back here.
[CHUCKLES]
Now you go away.
Oh, let's see how much I got.
Oh, man.
I'm gonna be...
Audited?
Peg, I'm gonna be audited!
Very nice.
I just spent three hours in the beauty parlor,
and all you can say is "I'm being audited. "
Huh! Why do I bother?
What's "audited"?
Well, basically,
it's when they take everything you own
and throw you in jail.
But just Dad, right?
Yeah.
Then to hell with it.
Peg, get our tax records,
'cause I'm suing the moron
that bungled our taxes.
Oh. Well, gee, that would be me.
Oh, now, don't get that look on your face.
It's a good thing I did the taxes.
You see, I had this idea.
If claiming two children as dependents
gets you $200,
imagine what 23 kids would be worth.
The gas chamber?
Dibs on his car.
I want it! I always said I could have it!
No, it's mine. Mine!
Kids, don't fight.
There'll be cars for the both of you
'cause Mommy's will be up for grabs,
'cause Mommy will be up the river with me.
See, it was a joint-return.
Think they'll be gone by Valentine's Day?
Because I don't know about you, Kel, but I'm thinking party.
Imagine both Mom and Dad in jail.
We'll be the coolest kids in school.
Yeah.
Now, kids, stop worrying.
Mommy's not going anywhere.
And why is that, Peg?
Oh, Al.
You don't think I'd be stupid enough
to sign my name to that return too.
This isn't like a parking ticket.
This is what they sent Capone away for.
Oh, but don't worry, honey.
I'm gonna go upstairs right now and call my Uncle Ephus.
He'll know what to do.
He's a pig farmer.
Hey, Mom?
Huh?
If Dad does go to jail,
can we still have a Valentine's party?
Well, let's get him off to jail first,
and then we'll talk about it.
Well, son, we owe five grand to the government.
So sometime between now and, uh...
10 a. m. on Thursday,
I've gotta come up with a small fortune.
Well, let's see what we got here.
"Free money for fools. "
Nope. Nothing here.
Here's something.
"Store toxic waste at home. "
You wouldn't mind growing a second head for Daddy,
would you, son?
I don't know, Dad.
Everything in my closet
is sort of built around one head.
Well, we'll just circle this as a "maybe. "
Hmm...
"Desperate woman needs human hair for wig.
"Will pay any price.
Red preferred. "
Al, honey, great news!
Ephus wasn't there,
but Aunt Innie said if you get her
a blueprint of the courthouse,
he'll pull his half-ton under the window,
and you're just a manure ride away from freedom.
What are you two looking at?
Your lovely red hair.
Oh, Al...
You noticed.
I didn't think you cared.
Oh, but I do.
Aw.
Oh, come on, Buck.
Take your pill.
I put it in this nice bonbon.
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Al, you have been in there all morning.
I don't know what it is, Peg.
I haven't eaten a thing
since that piece of cheese yesterday.
Oh, a bonbon.
Oh, it's nice and crunchy.
Gee, I hope it settles my stomach.
I don't think it'll be in there long enough.
Oh, Al, are you brushing my hair again?
You know, to some people,
you're just a guy who needs a shower,
but beneath it all, you really are romantic.
Yep.
Yep, I am.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
Peg, bring your hair over here.
You can come too, dear.
Sit down.
Hello. We're the Privetts. We're here to see the hair.
Of course!
Step right into our showroom.
Uh, dear, these are our good friends, the, uh...
Privetts. The Privetts, yes.
and this is my lovely wife the, um...
The Peggy.
Oh, you have lovely hair!
Why, thank you.
Leo, it's perfect.
Come on, Leo, you touch it too.
Oh, it's very nice.
Isn't it, though?
Uh...
Al, could I speak to you for a minute?
Excuse us for a second.
What's going on here?
Well, Peg, I've gotta pay the IRS,
so I'm selling the... The lawn furniture.
How much you asking?
Um... 10,000.
Al, it cost 40 bucks 15 years ago.
So did you.
You know, 10,000's a little steep, Bundy,
but I might go to, uh, 2000.
Two thousand dollars?
Oh!
You know, it's really worth the money.
Why, you can just sit on it for hours,
and if you hose it off, it's good as new.
Five thousand.
You don't mind us taking it from you?
Oh! No.
Why, the dog just lies on it,
and the birds use it as a bathroom.
You know, I'll be glad to get rid of it.
We'll be back tomorrow with the check.
Could you make that cash?
That way, we won't have to report it to the government.
Five thousand dollars!
Al, we're rich!
Oh, you are the smartest man in the whole world.
Honey, let's just forget about this audit.
We'll run from the government and the kids.
We'll set off across the country,
and we'll sell lawn furniture!
Oh, God, I love you!
Oops. A split end.
Yeow!
Al, what are you doing?
Bud!
Honey, you'll never guess
what your father just sold for $5000.
Well, sure, I would. He sold your hair.
Oh, ho, ho! No, silly.
God. The lawn furniture.
Right, Al?
Well, we'll just discuss that
when you wake up in the morning.
Oh, no!
Oh, yes.
Oh! Oh, no.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Oh, Peg...
Come to bed.
I'm not sleepy.
I can wait.
[SINGING TUNE TO BRAHMS' "LULLABY"]
Well...
I passed math.
French too, and I'm not even taking that.
What are you doing up, Mom?
I'm waiting for your father to go to sleep.
Kelly, he wants to sell my hair.
What am I gonna do?
Wear a pig nose
and dance in the street for crumbs?
Just kidding, Mom. Good night.
Kelly, honey,
you know, when you were a baby,
I used to get up every morning at noon to feed you.
The least you can do is listen to my problems.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I've got the coffee if you need it.
Is Al asleep?
I don't know.
Let's see.
[IMITATES SNORING]
Hair tease.
Can you believe him?
With all the hair in his nose, ears
and on his back,
and he wants mine.
It's hair envy, is what it is.
It's because they lose theirs
and we don't,
and they hate us for it.
They have no respect for our hair.
They only use it to pull us up, to pull us down.
You know, one day I'm just gonna say,
"Hey, use your own hair to wax that car. "
Kelly's right.
She's got the morals of an alley cat,
but she's right.
We give men too much.
We give them our trust, our love, our support.
We give them $5 to take us to the prom
and not tell anyone they're our cousin.
But they do,
and then you're the laughingstock
of the entire school.
And he winds up in the backseat of your car
with some fat slut named Roberta.
And you have to take the bus home!
Some prom, huh?
Anyway...
I say we women must draw the line at our hair.
It serves a purpose.
Like when you see a guy with really great buns,
it's your hair that says, "Saddle up, cowboy. "
"Rope me. Brand me. Break my spirit. "
Oh, yeah, and I'm the alley cat.
Well, there's no reasoning with Al.
If I'm gonna keep my hair,
I'm just gonna have to stay awake
until that trial.
Then I'll have 20 years of peace.
Don't you worry about a thing.
We'll stay up with you. Won't we, Kelly?
Darn right.
Our six eyes will beat as one.
Well, good.
We'll sleep in shifts.
Marcie, you take the first one.
Kelly, you take the second.
Marcie, you take the third.
Right.
Just let him try to get past us.
For tonight, we are woman.
[AL SIGHING]
[SNIP]
Well, I'm all packed for prison.
Have a nice time, Daddy.
Come on, Dad,
you've got two more days till the audit.
Why wait? I'm guilty.
What's my defense? Your mother's an idiot?
Besides, I deserve to be punished.
I married your mother.
So long, kids.
Let me know who wins this year's Bud Bowl.
Come on.
Now, surely you can make $5000 in two days.
[SPUTTERS]
Thanks, son.
Your love's gonna make those 20 years just fly by.
Now, I'm gonna need some toilet paper,
two-ply, white.
A harmonica.
Oh, and a picture of Mommy
in case thoughts of escape cross my mind.
You know, Kel, maybe I should get Dad something
to remind him of me.
Fine.
Pack him some Clearasil
and, uh, underwear with holes in it.
Hi, Al. Whatcha doin'?
I'm headed for prison.
Oh.
Well, I got a problem.
You're probably wondering why I'm not at work.
I'm looking at 20 years, Steve.
Uh-huh.
I'll bet you think I was fired, but I wasn't.
I quit.
I'll tell you, you wouldn't believe the politics
that goes on backstage at a pet shop.
They're putting me in with killers, Steve.
I mean, there I am,
putting down fresh paper under the macaw...
Which liked me, by the way,
and don't think that wasn't noticed.
...when Zeke decides to make a power play.
He wants birds.
Suddenly, fish isn't good enough for him.
So he breaks bread with the owner.
Next thing I know, he's got his hands on my bird,
and I'm up to my patootie in guppy poo.
Steve, I'll tell you what.
What say I make you a nice license plate
that says "I'm a bore"?
Would that make you feel better, buddy?
No, it wouldn't, Al.
You know what'd make me feel better?
To be the outdoorsman I was born to be.
Al...
I wanna be a rodeo clown.
You know, something with the land.
Thing is, how do I tell Marcie?
Well, now, see, that is a thorny one, Steve.
What say I give that some thought
while I'm making my marriage vows
in a prison chapel to a guy named Rock?
Okay, okay, this is something
a man's gotta work out for himself.
I know.
I'll call my mom.
She always told my Dad what to do...
until he killed himself.
Oh, and Al,
when you're in prison,
if you run into James Brown...
you tell him for me
there's one white dude out there who thinks he got a raw deal.
Is there no one who can ease my pain?
Al, honey, great news.
Uncle Toppee called.
He pulled some strings,
and he got you a cushy gig in the prison hospital.
You're gonna be a guinea pig
in the experimental medicine ward.
And you thought he didn't like you.
Would you get me cigarettes, kids?
I need lots of cigarettes.
It's for my new boyfriend.
Well, Al, if he only smokes after sex,
a half a pack'll do ya.
Aw, that's a good one.
I'm gonna miss you, Peg.
Well, I guess unless you're gonna cut your hair,
I'll be going.
Well, I'll see you, I guess,
in a decade or two.
Bye, Dad. Bye, Dad.
Bye. See you.
Very nice. Very nice.
No "Oh, Dad, please don't go"?
No "Oh, Al, yes, I'll cut my hair"?
Not even a "Shane, Shane, come back"?
Honey, no one wants you to go to prison,
but we're talking about my hair, for God's sake.
Why is everybody staring at me?
I'm not the only one in this family with hair.
Bud, what about you?
Yeah, right, I'd be quite the lady-killer
as a 15-year-old bald kid with no money.
"Yul Bundy. "
Well, don't look at me.
I've got finals coming up.
Peg?
I don't wanna cut my hair.
We're talking about prison, Peg.
Prison.
Oh, Leo, it's beautiful.
With this on my head,
I can walk proud again
and forget all about that woodpecker incident.
What a day, huh?
Well, that's 5000.
Pleasure doing business with you, Bundy.
Any time, Leo.
Listen, how's the wife fixed for fingernails?
Well, maybe now is not the time.
Wear it in good health, Marie.
Thank you.
Hey, if you ever change your mind
about that lawn furniture...
He's gone.
Oh! We did it!
Five thousand dollars.
Oh, Al, that's more than we'd make
if you had an education.
Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh?
Oh, ho, ho...
Well, now I'll go pay my taxes,
and then the only prison I'll be in
is the one I created for myself.
Honey, before you go,
I think you'd better walk Buck over by Marcie's roses.
He's still constipated.
Ah, all right.
He should be eating what I've been eating.
Worthless fleabag.
Honey, you think the Privetts will figure this out?
Well, why should they? It's real hair.
Come on, boy.
[***]